Why Is My Wife Hitting Me?

As a counselor, it wasn’t uncommon for me to see women who were experiencing abuse at the hands of a male partner. It makes sense that any therapist would encounter women survivors of domestic abuse, given that male-on-female intimate partner violence (IPV) will affect one in four women over their lifetime.

However, my clients also included men who had experienced female-on-male domestic violence. This form of abuse is not rare. As many as 26 percent of all US males have been abused by female partners. Around 1 in 7 men will experience severe abuse from female partners.

Unfortunately, for a man, asking the question, “Why is my wife hitting me?” can be one of the most isolating experiences of his life. Our society and popular media have framed intimate partner violence (IPV) as a phenomenon where the man is the perpetrator, and the woman is the victim.

However, this misses the reality of male victimization in relationships. Men and boys can be victims of physical violence, sexual violence, and stalking by an intimate partner. This violence happens across all demographics.

Facing abuse from a female partner carries a double burden: the trauma of the violence itself and our society’s expectation that a man cannot be physically abused by a woman.

Understanding Intimate Partner Violence Against Men

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is a pattern of behaviors that include threats to carry out or actual instances of physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological abuse.
The impact of this abuse is devastating and wide-reaching. My male patients reported fear, concern for their safety, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They also report feelings of shame and embarrassment.

What Does Female-Perpetrated Abuse Look Like?

While the question “Why is my wife hitting me?” focuses on physical abuse, IPV can take many forms. Physical abuse may involve hitting, slapping, pushing, scratching, or throwing objects, but the abuse often extends into psychological and sexual domains.

Physical Violence:

This involves any action intended to cause physical pain or injury. This includes the use of weapons, objects, or outright assault.

Psychological Aggression:

This is often the most insidious form of abuse, involving constant degradation, insults, manipulation, and controlling tactics. This can include threats to expose private information, isolation from friends and family, and the common tactic of gaslighting—making the victim question their own reality and memory.

Sexual Violence and Coercion:

Female partners can be the perpetrators of specific forms of sexual violence against men. For instance, in cases where a victim was made to sexually penetrate someone else, 79% of male victims reported only female perpetrators. Similarly, 82% of male victims of sexual coercion reported only female perpetrators. This form of abuse is an exercise of power that is often overlooked in conversations about male sexual assault.

Stalking:

This involves repeated harassment or threats that cause fear and safety concerns. Survey data indicates that 46% of male victims of stalking reported only female perpetrators.
The Silence and Stigma for Male Victims of Domestic
The process for a man escaping an abusive partner is made harder by social and psychological obstacles. Abuse relies on shame and secrecy to keep going, and for male victims, that shame is magnified by cultural ideas of what a man should do and be.

Common barriers to seeking help include:

Gender Stereotypes and Shame
Legal and Systemic Bias
Fear of Retaliation and Isolation
Lack of Resources
Finding Safety and Recovery from Intimate Partner Violence

The cycle of violence is confusing, and victims often want to believe the abuse will stop. However, abuse is about power and control, and it rarely resolves without intervention. Getting the proper support requires an individual to prioritize their safety and well-being.

Steps to Take for Immediate and Long-Term Safety

Create a Safety Plan: If you’re living with domestic abuse, make an exit plan, even if you don’t think you need one. Identify a safe place to go (a friend’s house, a family member, or a shelter that accepts males), have important documents (ID, keys, money, insurance cards) hidden and ready to take with you, and know who to call.

Document Everything: Safely and discreetly document all incidents. This includes taking photos of injuries, saving abusive text messages or emails, and writing down dates, times, and details of the violence. This documentation is crucial if you later need to get a protective order or legal counsel.

Seek Professional Help: Talk with a therapist who understands IPV, or call a dedicated national hotline, like the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Connect with Legal Resources: Contact an attorney or a legal aid organization specializing in domestic violence to understand your rights regarding divorce, custody, and restraining orders.

Reference

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 16). Intimate Partner Violence, Sexual Violence, and Stalking Among Men. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/intimate-partner-violence-sexual-violence-and-stalking-among-men.html on November 24, 2025.